I really feel the need to commemorate today. Today is an important day for me. It’s a day to repent, to go a different direction. Last night I attended Zion. Zion is a revival service at my church that lasts from last night through Wednesday night. Our pastor asked the crowd to choose one thing that we needed from God and ask Him for it. I weighed my heart. There were many things that flooded my mind: physical healing, a relief from loneliness, a relief from missing my family, a better understanding of my identity and place, friendship, love, peace in my heart, security…the list unfolded in my thoughts like a neatly rolled scroll, long and overwhelming. I waded through it to the very core, what do I really want? I searched, driven by the prying and persuasion of the pastor. “NO, what do you really need from God? Search and ask.”
When I found the deepest place in my heart, I really shocked myself. The request was waiting inside of me next to the meek and broken little girl that I truly am. And I dared to pray it out into my heart, “God, I want to be close to you again.”
A scary prayer for a person like me. A person who has chosen within my own heart, by my own will, to be far away. I’ve removed myself.
I didn’t know this beforehand, but there is a lot of pain involved in leaving friends, family, and otherwise comfortable life. It’s a growing pain. For me, it was loss of identity. It was a loss of control. I didn’t realize loosing control would be such a big deal to me, but loosing control made me realize that I was afraid. I have never experience such a paralyzing fear in my life. Family, consistency, friends, routine, and comfort are such wonderful things that can be completely harmful if depended upon completely. Loosing those things in my life was like experiencing a death. What a huge, gaping hole my heart received.
Here’s where a decision took place, ultimatum: trust God or desperately find security and fulfillment under new circumstance. I chose the latter. Trusting God required me to give up even more control, an idea that only terrified me more. I somehow saw hope in my own strength.
I am writing this to say, I am a failure. My quest for security on my own has made me a prisoner to my fears. It has sent me spiraling into survival mode, and I cannot survive in this world completely alone. The supernatural and scary thing about fear is that it becomes real. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you worry something may happen, you then begin to believe it will happen, and if you believe something will happen- it nearly always does! In just a few short months, fear has become a main motivator in my life. My thoughts nearly consumed with worries constantly. It has lorded over me. I chose it to be my god before my God. I honored my fears and then honored my God with what was left over.
I didn’t feel magically different when I prayed last night to be close to God again. I will say that I meant it. I will say that it came from that meek, broken little girl inside- truly from who I am. In that moment, there was a tiny, ittybitty work of faith. Faith also causes something to be created, the work of a mighty God. God intervened in my life, and within an hour I was broken. In a moment of complete hopelessness, God showed His light on the dark fears. I didn’t know that fears are really hidden lies. I finally saw fear for what it truly was, the faith behind a lie.
The amazing thing about my God is that He did not stop there. This morning He woke me up at 6:45 and told me to speak with Him. He showed me all the areas in my life that were lorded my fear. I could not find a place of faith and trust in God. What a sad thing. I had rebelled against God like the prodigal son; I was convinced that I could live without His help.
So, the situation seems hopeless. Surely God will punish my choice to live apart from Him. Surely He will point out my wrong decisions and keep them always in front of my face.
I waited fearfully expecting His next move, his discipline….
But, what He did was nothing short of miraculous… He told me He loved me.
He rushed my mind with remembrance of all the amazing and incredible gifts He has given me purely because He loves me. He reminded me of so many trials I’ve faced, and how faithful He was to me in every situation. He reminded me of the wonderful way He brought David into my life, the man He created for me, the physical parable David is of Christ’s love.
By believing fear, I assume that God does not love me.
Yet, when I believe that He does love me…I cannot fear.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 1John 4:18-19
I am writing this in remembrance, because I now have a choice. Fear is not gone forever, but I now have a decision when I am faced with a fear-filled thought: trust in God’s love and faithfulness or be ruled by fear. God must be the Lord of my thoughts.
Galations 5:1
“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”
Jesus, forgive me. I have put the god of fear above your place in my life. I have not loved you with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I could not love others because I could not give them a love I was rejecting, so God I rejected them as I rejected you. I have broken your greatest commandments. God, I admit, I am nothing without you. I can do nothing without your help. Thank you Jesus for your grace. For it is by your grace that I am saved, by choosing faith right now I am saying, that it is not by my strength or good work….by your love and grace alone that I am saved from darkness. Thank you for your love. God, it will only be you that gives me the strength to reject fear. Help me God. From the depths of my heart I say, I want you to be the Lord of my life. I love you Jesus. My life is not my own, it has been bought by you through the great price you paid in death. Thank you!
5:22-24
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
